There is a guy named Steve, he is a tall, strong and very attractive guy – but unfortunately he is also a simpleton, i.e. innocent and dumb. Steve is sitting on a rather empty train across from a hot lady wearing a tight mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The woman realizes he is staring and asks, ’Are you looking at my pu**y?’ Steve feels guilty and apologizes “Yes, I’m sorry. I promise I won’t look at it again.” The woman turns back, but after a while smiles and looks back at him and says “Hey! It’s quite alright…it’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.” Sure enough the pu**y blows him a kiss. Steve, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pu**y can do. ’I can also make it wink,’ says the woman. Steve stares in amazement as the pu**y winks at him. ’Come and sit next to me,’ suggests the woman, patting the seat. Steve moves over. The woman is now visibly horny and asks Steve, ’Would you like to push a couple of your fingers in?’ Stunned, Steve replies, ’What! Can it whistle, too?’
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How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can barely get your finger between his neck and the noose
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did you hear about the new pill they came out with just for lesbiens? its called "trimenagain"
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how do you turn a woman into a cotton picker? just cut the string
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Q: Why Don’t Irish Women Like Using Vibrators? A: Because It Chips Their Teeth!
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Q.what does a old lady have in common with a pork pie A.you gotta bite the the crust then lick the jelly to get to the meat
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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of fruits. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say: "Red...................cherry" "Yellow............... lemon" "Green.................lime" "Orange...............orange" Finally, the professor gave them all honey . After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well" he said, "I`ll give you all a clue. It`s what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they`re assholes!!!"
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i was in health class the other day and our teacher said that sperm has sugar in in. this girl stood up and asked why it didnt taste sweet then. realizing what she said, she was really embarassed and began to leave. the teacher then stopped her and said "because your sweet taste buds are on the front of your tongue... not the back of your throat.

Guy had to show the grey hair on his chest, to prove so he could get his pension, His wife told him, You should have shown them your Dick, and we could have got Disability to.
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Every year there was a contest for the dirtiest limerick, and every year John had won. After a while, he just stopped attending the party where the winner was announced and just waited for the phone call letting him know of his success. One year, it was past the time when the announcement was usually made and he had heard nothing, so he called the judge. He was told that this year, Jim had even a dirtier limerick than he had. So John decided he had to hear this limerick and called Jim. Jim said he couldn’t repeat his limerick over the phone because it was so obscene. John said "Listen I’m familiar with these things. Just say ’da-da’ for the words that are too obscene. I’ll be able to figure it out." Jim told him that there were lots of obscene words, and it might be difficult, but John assured him that it would be okay. So Jim read him the limerick: Da-da da-da da-da, Da-da da-da da-da, Da-da da-da, Da-da da-da, Da-da da-da mother-fucker.
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70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I’m done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That’s incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?" George’s wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!".

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Guy walks up to a girl in loud dance club and asks "Would you like to dance?" She responds "No" He replies "No what?" She says: "No. I don’t want to dance with you." He responds " I didn’t ask you to dance? I said, "You look fat in those pants!"

Now the bad weather [snow] is hear there are 3 things you should carry in your car. 1.A blanket 2.A flask of hot coffee 3.A spade So when you are stuck you can rap yourself in the blanket,drink the hot cokkee, while the spade pushes you out off the snow drift.

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Good: I got paid and got laid Bad: I got the girl pregnant
Ugly: My nephew is my son
Good: Lost my job today Bad: My wife left me for another man
Ugly: It was the bastard who fired me
Good: My husband and I are expecting our first child Bad: Its not my husband
Ugly: It could be (blank)
Good: Today I learned how to give a blowjob Bad: The guy I learned from was gay
Ugly: He was my ex-boyfriend
Good: I hit the lottery and won 1,000,000.00 Bad: I got robbed leaving the bank
Ugly: I know the guy who robbed me Very Ugly: LIFE without parole
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A man with a premature ejaculation problem goes to a shrink. Man: Every time i have sexual relations with my wife I cum too early Therapist: Well, next time you feel the urge to cum too soon, scare yourself somehow, this should help. On the way home the man stops into a hardware store and buys a starter pistol that makes a loud noise. The man gets home to find his wife naked in bed. He jumps on her and they start getting it on. Eventually they start 69ing, and the man feels the urge to cum so he shoots the pistol. The next day the therapist asks the man how it went to which the man replied: "Thanks a lot asshole my wife shat in my face, bite two inches of my dick and my neighboor came running out of my closet naked with his hands in the air."

A husband and his wife were talking one day and the husband asked his wife why she never lost her temper when they had an argument. She told him that she handled her anger in a different way. He asked her to tell him her secret. She told him that she cleaned the toilet bowl after every argument they had. He could not understand how that helped. She explained that she used his toothbrush to do the cleaning.
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A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples." She says, "Watch it buddy, I’ll have my boyfriend kick your ass." He laughs and says, "Alright, why don’t I just give you a big sloppy kiss then." She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you." "This is my final offer", he says, "I’ll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt." She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits. He yells, "I’ll kill him!" She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he’s pissed and starts walking in his direction. She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!" Her boy friend stops and say’s "Sorry babe, I can’t fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."
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Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A. Beef strokin’ off.
Q. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Q. What’s the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.
Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.
Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
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Three little kids are sitting a staircase in the middle of the projects. They are, as all little kids have a tendancy to do, daydreaming and sharing them with their friends. The first little kid says "Man, I wish I was made entirely out of gold."The other kids ask: "Why gold?"The first kid replies: "Because I would break off my pinky and buy that porsche over there." The second kids says :"Well, I wish I was made entirely out of platinum, so I could break off my pinky nail and buy that Cadillac over there." The third kid thinks about it and says "I wish I was made entirely out of hair"The other two kids are laughing their asses off: "You’re so stupid, why would you want to be made out of hair?"The third kid replies making the ’okay’ signal with his hand "Because my mom has a patch about THIS big and owns both those cars."
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A small alien from a faraway planet lands on Earth. This alien is hella horny and loves to give head. The alien hides in a carrot which a farmers wife picks and puts in a soup. The farmer and his wife have this soup and the wife happens to eat the soup with the alein in it. After dinner they have anal sex. The farmer says out of nowhere, "Did you just shit?" The wife says, "No why?" The farmer replies, "Cause I think my dick just sunk into it."
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A white woman walks a Japanese man into her house and asks him to take his clothes off. After this she looks at him in amazement and askes, "where did you get that huge dick from, I thought Asians have small dicks?" He replies, "Well let’s just say that after my parents gave this to me I agree with the bombing in Hiroshima
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The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." I’m afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend! Al. "That’s what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be a fucking accident either."

An australian ventriloquist was on a holiday in New Zealand. While strolling through a small town in the South Island he saw a bloke sitting at the side if the road patting his dog. Behind him was his horse n sheep. ’G’day mate he said to the man thats a great looking dog. Mind if i have a chat with him?’ The new zealander says: ’The dog doesn’t talk u stupid aussie!’ . The man ignored him, ’Hey dog hows it goin?’ The dog replied: ’Doin alright.’ The new zealander was suprised! The man continued, ’Is this your kiwi owner?’ ’Yup!’ said the dog! ’How does he treat u?’ ’Real good!’ the dog seemed to say, ’He gives me good tucker n two meals a day.’ The man then asked the kiwi if he could then talk to his horse. The Kiwi said, rather definately, "He DOESNT talk." "G’day horse how’s it goin?" "Fine, Fine." said the horse. "How does your owner treat you?" "Pretty good, thanx for asking, he rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the cold weather." By now the Kiwi was absolutely astonished. "Mind if I talk to ur
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What’s the worst thing about being a clown?........... .....the colored wig, the floppy shoes, all the make-up, etc....... What’s the best thing about being a clown?............. ......your dick looks huge in a little kid’s hands.

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A boy and his grandfather decide to go fishing one afternoon so they grab their gear and head out for the lake. A half hour goes by and grandpa pulls out a beer and starts drinking. The boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a drink of your beer?" and grandpa replies," Well I don’t know. Does your pecker wrap around and touch your butthole?" The boy responds with, "No grandpa it doesn’t." So grandpa tells him that he can’t have a drink. A while later grandpa pulls out a cigar and starts smoking it. Again the boy asks, " Grandpa, can I have a puff of your cigar?" and grandpa asks the boy the same question, only to get the same response again. A while goes by and the little boy pulls out 2 huge chocolate chip cookies and starts eating them. This time grandpa asks, "Boy that sure looks delicious, can I have one of those cookies?" The boy then asks," I don’t know grandpa, does your pecker wrap around and touch your butthole?" The grandpa gets a big smile and says," It sure does". The boy then says," Well then go fuck yourself, grandma made these for me."

A tourist went to Spain for holiday and to taste their authentic cuisine as well. He went to an upscale restaurant and ordered the day’s special. After the meal, he praised that it was the best Spanish cuisine he had ever tasted and called the maitre’d over and asked what was it made of as he doesn’t know Spanish. The maitre’d answered that it was the testicles of a bull that was slain by the matador the day before. On the last day of his visit, he decided to have the meal one more time before he leaves, but this time the bull’s testicles were smaller, so he inquired the maitre’d why was that so and the the maitre’d nonchalantly answered, " Oh, it was like this. The other day, it was the matador that slained the bull but sadly as of yesterday it was the matador who was slained by the bull and those were his testicles."

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The speaker was nearing the end of her lecture on healthy eating, ’ so to sum everything up,we are what we eat.’ A big lesbian at the back of the room shouted out, ’are you calling me a cunt.’

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A man walking through a festival sees a rather strange looking piece of corn. He eats every little piece and even sucks the juice out of it. He askes the seller where did you get this great tasting corn from. The seller says, "Well a man dropped that in there when I wasn’t looking but I heard him say that his dick was useless because of too many herpies."

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One day these two ladies were at work talking, the one said her and her husband had been having some sexual issues so they went to see a therapist. Well the other lady asked what the Dr. told them. She told her that he had given them a game to play. He told the wife to go out and buy a box of donuts and for every donut she could get around her husbands penis she could eat off. He told the husband to buy a bag of grapes, and for every grape he made into his wife’s pussy he could eat it out. And the friend asked, "did this work!?" and the lady responded that they haven’t had an issue since! So that night when the one lady got home she was telling her husband about the Dr. so they decided to go and see what kind of game he could offer them. So the Dr. talked to them and then talked to each of them separately. After the session he called them both into the room and told them he was sorry but there was nothing he could do for them. They were furious! The husband said to the Dr. there must be something you can give us! So the Dr. said fine! He looked at the husband and said go out and by a bag of grape fruit and he told the wife you go buy a box of cheerios!!! LOL LOL LOL

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An inventor was finally successful in making the machine of his dreams. Excited, he called out his son and said, "Son, I have toiled for twenty inventing this machine that if you put a pig at one end of this machine and sauges will come to the other end." The son replied, "Duh, dad. That’s so yesterday. Why don’t you invent a machine in which if you put the sausage at one end of the machine and a pig will appear at the other end?" The father said," Oh son, I have already invented that. It was twenty years ago when I put my sausage into your mom’s machine and out come a pig of a son like you!"

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An inventor was finally successful in making the machine of his dreams. Excited, he called out his son and said, "Son, I have toiled for twenty inventing this machine that if you put a pig at one end of this machine and sauges will come to the other end." The son replied, "Duh, dad. That’s so yesterday. Why don’t you invent a machine in which if you put the sausage at one end of the machine and a pig will appear at the other end?" The father said," Oh son, I have already invented that. It was twenty years ago when I put my sausage into your mom’s machine and out come a pig of a son like you!"

These three women are sitting around discussing the sexual prowess of there boyfriends and one of them "says if your boyfriend was a soda what kind would he be ? the first woman thought about it a few seconds and said i guess mine would be a 7 up because hes seven inches and hes always up, the secound woman took a little longer to think about it but she says i guess mine would be a mountain dew because hes always mounting me and were always dewing it,they third lady took so long thinking about it the other women had to ask her what kind would yours be ? she said mine would be jack daniels the other two women said thats not fair jack daniels is a liquor the woman said yeah thats my man

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"

there were two dudes at the races, on the otherside of the stand they both see a chick wearing a dress with her legs open one of the guys thought he could see her black undies, the other reckoned it was her pubic hairs.. so they told the peanut boy to go drop some peanuts infront of her and look up. he did that and went back to the guys and said ’ you both were wrong, it was a bunch of flies’

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A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.""Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that’s nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin’ TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It’ll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

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A man walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor askes, "Why are you late?" The man answers, "I couldn’t find my car keys." The doctor askes why so the man explains, "Last night me and my wife were having sex and I banged her on the dresser. When she screamed I thought she was having an orgasm, and when I saw the blood I thought she was on her period and I kept going. This morning I got into my car and I couldn’t find my car keys. So I went back into my house and my wife told me the shocking horrible truth." The doctor asks, "So where were your car keys?" "UP HER CUNT YOU FUCKING IDIOT."

Marry my daughter

Marry my daughter
Bob is applying for a job at a Fortune 500 company and at the very end of the interview the owner, Alex, finally told him that he would hire him and pay 1 million dollars a year if he would just marry his daughter. Alex told him that his daughter is as ugly as a baboon’s ass and dumb as an ape. Bob ask if he had a picture of her and Alex say’s sure and shows it to Bob. Bob cringes and tells Alex that he just couldn’t do it. Alex breaks down and offers Bob 5 million dollars a year and will give him a mansion to live in. Bob thinks about it and finally figures he could live with it and would just have to put a bag on her head when they had sex so he takes the job. After a few years, he has plenty of money and has acquired a Van Gough painting. He’s in his living room about to hang the painting and ask his wife to get the hammer. She turns around mumbling “get the hammer”, “get the hammer”, “get the hammer”. Moments later she returns with the hammer. Then Bob ask her to get the nails. She turns around mumbling “get the nails”, “get the nails”, “get the nails”. Moments later she returns with the nails. As Bob is driving the first nail, he hammers his thumb to hell and back and screams “Fuck”. His wife turns around mumbling “get the bag”, “get the bag”, “get the bag”.

Many more

A naked man was standing in front of a mirror holding his penis. He said very proudly another two inches long i would have been a King.His wife says from the back and another two inches less you would have been a queen.

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Apparently it has been discovered that an intellingent gene can be found in women,Unfortunatly 98% of them spit it out rather then swallow it.

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when any girl do pee in toilet come some voice but same do boy no voice come why?
answer: every boy have 7 inch long silencer so no voice

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why do pussies have hair?
to hide the hook. how do you know your in a fag bar?
all the stools are turned upside down. What’s the definition of dried fruit?
A fag with a vasectomy.
What Richard Simmons call a condom?
Seal-a-meal.

The night out

The night out
One day a little boy walked into the family room and saw his dad drinking a beer. The little boy was curious, and asked his dad if he could have sip. The dad quickly replied, "well son, can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy said "no." The father replied, "Well sorry son, youll have to wait till your older when it can." The next day the little boy was playing outside and saw his dad smoking a cigarette. The little boy was curious and asked his dad if he could have a puff. The dad replied once again, "well son, can your dick touch your ass yet?" The little boy said "no." The father replied, "Well sorry son, youll have to wait till your older when it can." Well, later that day, the father walks into the kitchen and sees the little boy eating cookies. The father asks the little boy if he could have one. The little boy then replies, "Well dad, can your dick touch your ass?" The dad says, "why yes son, it can." The little boy responds, "Well go FUCK yourself because mom made the cookies for me!"