Guy had to show the grey hair on his chest, to prove so he could get his pension, His wife told him, You should have shown them your Dick, and we could have got Disability to.
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Every year there was a contest for the dirtiest limerick, and every year John had won. After a while, he just stopped attending the party where the winner was announced and just waited for the phone call letting him know of his success. One year, it was past the time when the announcement was usually made and he had heard nothing, so he called the judge. He was told that this year, Jim had even a dirtier limerick than he had. So John decided he had to hear this limerick and called Jim. Jim said he couldn’t repeat his limerick over the phone because it was so obscene. John said "Listen I’m familiar with these things. Just say ’da-da’ for the words that are too obscene. I’ll be able to figure it out." Jim told him that there were lots of obscene words, and it might be difficult, but John assured him that it would be okay. So Jim read him the limerick: Da-da da-da da-da, Da-da da-da da-da, Da-da da-da, Da-da da-da, Da-da da-da mother-fucker.
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70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I’m done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That’s incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?" George’s wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!".

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Guy walks up to a girl in loud dance club and asks "Would you like to dance?" She responds "No" He replies "No what?" She says: "No. I don’t want to dance with you." He responds " I didn’t ask you to dance? I said, "You look fat in those pants!"